Help With The Script

Alright, because it's lonely doing this by myself, I'm asking your help in making the A Very Potter Musical script. I'll post the first scene and you can tell me if I need to change things.
Here goes:

Act One
Scene One
Harry is sitting by himself on his trunk. He looks worried and
anxious as he looks around and pushes the hair out of his eyes and begins to sing.

Song: Get Back To Hogwarts

Harry Potter: ♪Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel glares of
my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.♪

♪Can't believe how cruel they are
and it stings my lighting scar
to know that they'll never ever give me what I want.♪

♪I know I don't deserve these
stupid rules made by the Dursleys
here on Privet drive.♪

♪Can't take all of these muggles,
but despite all of my struggles,
I'm still alive.♪

♪I’m sick of summer and this waiting around.
Man, its September, and I’m skipping this town
Hey It’s no mystery, threes nothing here for me now♪

He stands up.

♪I gotta get back to Hogwarts;
I gotta get back to school.
Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,
where everybody knows I'm cool♪

♪Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
It’s all that I love, and it's all that I need.
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back---♪

♪I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry
take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky
NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome♪

♪I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand
defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome♪

Ron Weasley: ♪Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!♪ Did somebody say Ron Weasley?

They hug and ad lib greeting (i.e. hey man, what’s up? How ya doing’?)

Ron: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let’s go!
Harry: Where’re we going?
Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: C’mon!
Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
Ron: ♪It's been so long, but we're going back
don't go for work, don't go there for class♪
Harry: ♪As long as were together—♪
Ron: ♪-- gonna kick some ass♪
Harry & Ron: ♪and it’s gonna be totally awesome!♫
♫This year we'll take everybody by storm,
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm♪

Hermione pops up behind them.

Hermione Granger: ♪but let's not forget that we need to perform well in class
if we want to pass our OWLS!♪

They arrive in Diagon Alley, where people rush back and forth upstage.

Ron: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?
Hermione: Because, guys, school’s not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we’re gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh!

♪I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart
check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start
what I lack in looks well I make up in heart,
and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome♪

♪this year I plan to study a lot...♪
Ron: ♪That would be cool if you were actually hot!♪
Harry: ♪Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!♪
Ron: ♪and that's cool...♪
Hermione: ♪and that's totally awesome!♪
Harry, Ron & Hermione: ♪Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!♪
♪We're sick of summer and this waiting around!
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!
Don't take no sorcery
for anyone to see how...♪

♪We gotta get back to Hogwarts.
We gotta get back to school.
We gotta get back to Hogwarts,
where everything is magic-cooooool!♪

Ensemble: ♪Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS♪
Harry, Ron & Hermione: ♪--- I think we're going back...♪

Ginny Weasley: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin’s and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings!
Harry: Uh, who’s this?
Ron: Uh, this is stupid, little dumb sister Ginny. She’s a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It’s Harry Potter.

Ginny and Harry shake hands.

Ginny: Aw, you’re Harry Potter! You’re The Boy Who Lived!
Harry: Yeah, and you’re Ginny.
Ginny: It’s Ginevra.
Harry: Cool. Ginny’s fine.
Ron: Stupid sister! (He claps in her face) Don’t crowd the famous friend!
Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone’s coming! Whoa!

They notice three girls, an Asian one in the front, all dancing Japanese-like.

Cho’s Posse: ♪Cho Chang
Domo arigato, Cho Chang
Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang
Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang♪

Ginny: Aw, who’s that?
Harry: That’s Cho Chang.
Ron: Yeah, that’s the girl Harry totally been in love with since freshman year.
Hermione: Yeah, but he won’t say anything to her!
Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.

Ginny goes over and taps the Asian girl on the shoulder.

Ginny: (bows) Konnichiha, Cho Chang! It is good to meet you! My name is Ginny Weasley!
Lavender Brown: Bitch, I ain’t Cho Chang!
Ron: That’s Lavender Brown! (Claps in her face) Racist sister!
Cho Chang: (with a Southern accent) Oh, it’s alright! I’m Cho Chang, y’all.
Harry: She is totally perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory.
Harry: What? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory?!? What is that? Who is that guy?

Cedric comes between the four and sweeps his arms so they all fall down.

Cedric Diggory: ♪Oh, Cho Chang
I am so in love with Cho Chang♫
♫from Bangkok to Ding Dang
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!♪

Cho, Cedric and Cho’s Posse exit.

Harry: Uh! I hate that guy! I hate him!
Ron: So are we gonna get those robes or not?!?
Ginny: Ok, alright, let’s go!
Ron: God, sister!

The gang exit as Neville Longbottom and Vincent Crab and Gregory Goyle enters. They bump into one another. Neville gasps.

Gregory Goyle: Present your arm, nerd!

Neville rolls up his sleeve and holds out his arm for Goyle.

Goyle: Indian burn hex!

Neville slumps to his knees with pain. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny reenter. Ginny runs to help Neville up.

Ron: Ah, Crab and Goyle.
Harry: Hey, why don’t you just leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?
Goyle: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Harry Potter. You think all because you’re famous, you can boss everyone around!
Harry: No, I just don’t think it’s cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville, I mean, c’mon.
Goyle: Oh, well you know what I think? I think glasses (pulls off Harry’s glasses) are for nerds!

Goyle makes a motion that looks like he’s snapping Harry’s glasses in half.

Goyle: We hate nerds!
Vincent Crab: And girls!
Ron: Well, you asked for it! You don’t mess with Harry Potter! He beat the Dark Lord when he was just a baby!
Hermione: Alright, everyone just calm down. (She makes a motion and points at Harry’s glasses) Oculus Reparo!

Harry quickly put’s his glasses back on his head.

Harry: Whoa! Cool!
Hermione: Now let’s leave these big baby childish jerks alone.

They start to leave. Draco Malfoy enters.

Draco Malfoy: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!?
Harry: What do you want, Draco?
Malfoy: Crab, Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizards.
Harry: Hey, listen, Malfoy, (puts his arms around Ron and Hermione) Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

During Harry’s lines, Ginny tries to put her arm around Ron but is pushed off.

Malfoy: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Don’t tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion? You must be a Weasley.
Ron: Oh my god lay off Malfoy. She may be a pain in the ass, but she’s my pain in the ass.

The gang exits.

Malfoy: Well, isn’t this cute! It’s like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!
♪This year you bet, gonna get outta here
the reign of Malfoy is drawing near
Ill have the greatest wizard career,
and its gonna be totally awesome♪

♪Look out world, for the dawn of the day
When everyone will do whatever I say
And that Potter won’t be in my way, and then
I’ll be the one who is totally awesome!♪

Goyle: ♪Yeah you’ll be the one who is totally awesome.♪
Hermione: C’mon, guys, we’re gonna miss the train!

The entire cast gets into three lines.

Ensemble: ♪Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow♪

At this point the cast starts to make train motions that gradually speed up.

Harry: ♪Maybe at last, I’m gonna talk to Cho!♪
Ron: ♪Oh no, that be WAY too awesome!♪
Ensemble: ♪Were back to learn everything that we can
it’s great to come back to where we began
and here we are (they lurch forward as if the train has just stopped),
and alakazam! (they jump into the air)! Here we go, this is totally awesome!♪
♪Come on and teach us everything you know
the summers over and were itchin’ to go
I think we’re ready for♪

Neville Longbottom: Albus Dumbledore!
Ensemble: ♪Oooooo Ahhhhhh.♪

Cast pulls two benches to either side of the stage. Albus Dumbledore enters.

Professor Albus Dumbledore: ♪Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.
I welcome back you all to school.
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
we’ve got a hidden swimming pool?♪

♪Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I’d like to go over just a couple of rules:♪
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus-if you wanted detention. I’m just kidding. I’ll expel you if you call me Albus.

Ensemble: ♪Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
it's all that I love, and all that I need.
At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS♪

♪Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Gryffindors!
Hufflepuffs!
Ravenclaws!
Slytherins!
Back to the place where our story begins
it’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts,♪
Dumbledore: I’m sorry, what’s its name?
Ensemble: ♪Hogwarts, Hogwarts♪
Dumbledore: I didn’t hear you kids!
Ensemble: ♪Hogwarts, Hogwarts♪
Harry: Man, I’m glad I’m back.
End song

AHHH!!!!
I JUST SAVED YOU ALL
i put the 667th post

GO REMY!

Remmie, you're a Saint.

SCENE TWO

The students take seats on the benches, with Gryffindors on stage right and everybody else on stage left. Ron is eating in almost every scene, and in this one he’s eating some kind of noodle dish in Styrofoam.

Dumbledore: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. He’s even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny -‘scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.
Ginny: (stands up) Um, yeah, I’m a girl, and, um, also, aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (Sits down)
Dumbledore: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren’t going to be back ‘til next year. Basically I’ve just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don’t really care.
Cedric: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the HELL is a Hufflepuff?

Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down.

Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.
Ron: Aw, Snape? I’d hoped they’d fired that guy!
Ginny: What’s wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Uh, nothing, he’s just, uh, evil!

Severus Snape enters.

Harry: C’mon, Ron, he’s really not that bad. I mean-
Professor Severus Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!
Harry: (Stands up) What?
Snape: For talking out of turn!

Harry sits back down.

Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.

Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers.

Hermione: Yes!
Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?
Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?

Hermione raises her hand again.

Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect!
Ron: What’s a portkey again? I missed that one.
Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it it’ll transport you anywhere.
Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.
Snape: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!
Lavender: Professor?
Snape: Yes?
Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?
Snape: No, that’s absurd. ‘Cause then if that person we’re to touch themselves, (looks meaningfully at Ron) they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.
Harry: What’s a- What’s a horcrux?
Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor (there’re cheers from stage right), Ravenclaw (a few cheers from stage left), Hufflepuff-
Cedric: Find!
Snape: What? And Slytherin (Goyle does a snake movement with his arms while the other Slytherins hiss). Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! (Confused mutterings for stage right) For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat.
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell.

Harry’s scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrell enters stage left. Because Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrell while his face is hidden under Quirrell’s turban.

Quirinus Quirrell: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-
Malfoy: Go home, terrorist!
Quirrell: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?

Hermione raises her hand and speaks quickly.

Hermione: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.
Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Quirrell: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!
Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?
Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.
Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: I don’t think you heard me! I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore!
Quirrell: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-

Voldemort sneezes under Quirrell’s turban.

Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrell: What? No. (he starts to back off stage right)
Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.
Quirrell: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. (Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry’s scar starts to hurt again as Quirrellmort gets near him.) I simply farted once more.

Quirrellmort exits.

Dumbledore: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please?

Snape come on with The Cup.

Snape: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,
Cho: Oh my god I’ve won! I can’t believe they called me!
Snape: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.
Cedric: (stands up) Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all!
Cho: Perfect! Now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend!
Cedric: I’m glad as well, my darling! (He kisses he on the head and sits down)
Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pull out another) Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter! (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that, huh? (he tries to reach over to get in Harry’s face but ends up collapsing onto the first row of Gryffindors and falling on the floor) I’m the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down, you little shit! Champion’s just a title.
Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn’t this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear no grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.
Neville: (stands up) It's me. I'd like to apologize right now to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-
Snape: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It’s Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let’s get to it!

Everybody except Harry, Ron and Hermione starts to leave cheering “Cho Chang! Cho Chang!” malfoy tries to start the same thing with his name, but fails. Harry and Ron remain sitting while Hermione paces.

Ron: Harry, you got this tournament in the bag.
Harry: I don’t know, man. Cedric Diggory. He’s pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I’m totally gonna win!

Harry and Ron high-five.

Hermione: I don’t know, Harry…
Ron: Oh my god, Hermione. Shut up. Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?
Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Harry: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.
Hermione: You’re not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.
Harry: Uh, I’m the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. What’s the worst that could happen?
Hermione: And I don’t know about that Quirrell character. I mean, first he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar start to hurt, and you have to admit there is something really funky about the back of his head.
Harry: Come on, think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires professors?
Harry & Ron: Dumbledore.
Harry: ...who’s the smartest, most awesome, practical, most beautiful wizard in the whole school. Why would he possibly hire someone who’s trying to hurt me?
Hermione: Well, what about Snape?
Harry: What about him?
Hermione: He’s hated you for years! And he’s hated your parents, too, Harry, everyone knows that. And he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup out of hundreds if not five possible Gryffindors?
Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence! We lucked out!
Hermione: No, no, Harry, I don’t it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you created a lot of enemies, ones you might not even know about.
Harry: Alright, let me get this straight. (He stands up) You’re saying this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me?
Hermione: I don’t know, maybe! I just think it’s dangerous and I don’t think you should do it.
Harry: Alright, Hermione, if it means that much to you, I’ll drop out.
Hermione: Oh, thank you Harry! (She hugs him)
Ron: Wait, wait, WHAT!?!? The House Cup? What about all the eternal glory you could win? Come on!
Harry: Hey. Eternal glory? Already got that. Besides, Neville will be a great champion.
Ron: No! No! I do not want Shlongbottom to be my champion!

Dumbledore enters.

Hermione: Harry, look. All you have to do- Oh look! There’s Dumbledore. Why don’t you just talk to him now and tell him that you’re dropping out?
Harry: Listen, Hermione, Dumbledore and I are really cool. We’re super tight, and I don’t want him to think that I’m being lazy or disrespectful or anything, so why don’t you tell him? Just tell him I want to work on school or something, alright?
Hermione: Yeah, okay.
Harry: Hey, you got this one. You’re the best. Don’t worry about it. (He taps her on the nose)
Hermione: Okay.

Harry goes and sits next to Ron.

Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Yes, Granger?
Hermione: I need to talk to you for a moment. It’s about the House Cup Tournament. (Dumbledore walks over to her) Um, well, first of all, I think it’s an awful idea, but, um, second of all, I don’t think Harry Potter should compete.
Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always have to be a big old’ stick in the mud, huh? Pray, tell me why Potter should not compete.
Hermione: Uh, because…. He wants to study.
Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you!
Hermione: Uh, ok, well, he, uh… wants to focus on the O.W.L.s!
Dumbledore: Why couldn’t Harry have told me this himself, hmm? He thinks I’m cool. We’re tight.
Hermione: Professor, I’m a really bad liar. I think it’s a ruse. A setup. And I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter.
Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met! Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just as much as he’s trying to kill me!

Snape walks on stage carrying something hidden beneath his cloak.

Snape: Oh why, Professor Dumbledore! I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich.

Snape pulls back his cloak to reveal a bomb in a sandwich.

Dumbledore: Oh! Why, thank you, Severus! You see, Granger? How thoughtful!

Snape hands him the sandwich.

Snape: Here you are, professor. BOMB appetite. Oops. I mean bone appetite.

Snape presses several buttons on the bomb and runs away. The sandwich starts to tick faster and faster.

Hermione: Um, is that sandwich ticking?!?
Dumbledore: It looks like it’s licking. Finger-licking good!
Hermione: Professor, I don’t think you should eat that sandwich!
Dumbledore: Why, Granger? You outta listen to Snape more often. You might even get a sandwich outta it.

At this point Hermione grabs the sandwich out of Dumbledore’s hands and runs stage right with it.

Dumbledore: Granger, what the hell? Granger, what are you doing?

Hermione hands it to someone offstage, where the sandwich explodes.

Dumbledore: You darn gone and exploded my sandwich!

Hermione runs back to Dumbledore.

Hermione: I’m sorry, sir!
Dumbledore: Listen, even if I did believe Harry Potter was in danger he has to compete. You see that Cup?
Hermione: Yes.
Dumbledore: It’s enchanted. Whoever’s name come out of that cup has to compete or the results would be... bad.
Hermione: What do you mean bad?
Dumbledore: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Hermione: Total protonic reversal!
Dumbledore: Yeah. So you see, he has to compete. And Hermione, if it makes you feel any better the last guy to die in the tournament was a Hufflepuff. So, I’ll keep my eyes open and nothing’s gonna get past old Dumbledore.
Hermione: Alright.
Dumbledore: Now I gotta go make myself another sandwich! Although I don’t know how it’s gonna be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!

Dumbledore exits.

Hermione: (to herself) Because it was a bomb! (to Harry) Harry, I’m so sorry, but I think you’re gonna have to compete in the House Cup Tournament. But don’t worry! I won’t rest until I find out what the first task is gonna be.
Ron: And I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.
Harry: Alright. You guys are awesome.

Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle enter. Goyle is carrying Malfoy.

Malfoy: Well. Isn’t this touching?
Ron: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.

Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.

Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts!
Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?

Malfoy is standing by now.

Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next year.
Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!
Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us alone-
Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here.
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-
Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-
Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even doing here? Get outta here.
Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.
Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocket ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between where Harry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)
Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if you make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other story.
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!

Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing.

Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!
Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!
Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!
Malfoy: Oh, come on!
Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!

Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their legs wobbling.

Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!
Malfoy: Take what back?
Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!
Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.
Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a ‘you-know-what’!
Malfoy: Alright! I’m sorry!
Hermione: And you promise you’ll never do it again?
Malfoy: I promise!
Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on, Harry. Ron. Let’s get out of here.
Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.
Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!

The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave.

Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I’ve ever seen! Too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like ‘Arrr! I’m gonna….

Crab and Goyle get up.

Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!
Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood) Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.

Goyle runs over close to Malfoy’s face.

Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)
Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I’ve never been pushed down like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)
Goyle: (to Crab) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!

Crab shakes his head in disapproval.

Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!

They all walk off after Malfoy. Lights down.

I am impressed
TOTALLY AWESOME!

Thank you, Trixie.

SCENE THREE

Lights up. Quirrellmort enters. The stage is set with a block-bench and a chair with robes hung over the top.

Quirrell: (talking to the audience) Fools! They’re all fools. They think they’re safe. They think they’re back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that’s lurking right under their noses. Or, should I say, on the back of their heads…

Quirrell rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Voldemort, who laughs evilly, then coughs. Quirrell puts his turban on the chair.

Voldemort: Ugh! I can’t breathe in that damn turban!
Quirrell: I’m sorry my Lord. It’s a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on-
Voldemort: Yes! That when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forrest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and, ugh! Unicorn blood!
Quirrell: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.
Voldemort: Yes. Nobody must know any of that. Now, Quirrell! Get me some water!

Quirrell bends over and grabs a bottle of water.

Voldemort: Now Quirrell! Pour it in my mouth!

Quirrell uncaps the bottle and speaks while pouring the water in his mouth.

Quirrell: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I'm done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!
Quirrell: I’m sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!
Voldemort: I know that... Get me some Nasonex, you swine!

Quirrell shoots some Nasonex into Voldemort’s nose, then some into his own.

Voldemort: Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.
Quirrell: Yes my Dark King-
Voldemort: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort. We’re there. We’ve reached that point.
Quirrell: Yes, yes, my… Voldemort.
Voldemort: Mmm. Now, Quirrell… Get us ready for bed.

Quirrell begins getting ready for bed.

Voldemort: We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him!

Quirrell uses some mouthwash.

Voldemort: Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it! It tastes like… cool mint.
Quirrell: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.
Voldemort: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the block-bench) Well, goodnight Quirrell.

Quirrell bends backwards, and Voldemort leans forward so they are laying down on the block-bench.

Voldemort: (pause) Okay, okay, I can’t do this. You’ve got to roll over. I can’t sleep on my tummy.
Quirrell: I’m sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. It’s the only way I’m comfortable.
Voldemort: You roll over right now or I’ll… I’LL EAT YOU PILLOW! (Quirrell begins to roll over) You’ll be having a dream you’re eating a giant marshmallow, but really you’ll wake up and find your favorite goose feather pillow is missing!
Quirrell: Fine! We’ll compromise. We’ll sleep on our sides.
Voldemort: Ok. I guess I can do this.
Quirrell: Now, goodnight!
Voldemort: Goodnight, Quirrell. (pause) Hey, Quirrell. How long has those robes been on that chair?
Quirrell: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.
Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan for these?
Quirrell: I figured I’d just leave them there for now and put them away in the morning, okay?
Voldemort: A- No! No, that’s not okay! I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair! The chair’s is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!
Quirrell: I promise I’ll put them away in the morning!
Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them, at least!!! Make it into a neat pile!

They both sit up.

Quirrell: Listen, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have to learn to live with each other. Now, I’ve been single for all of my life, and I have some habits, and sometimes I leave dirty laundry around!
Voldemort: Well I believe everything has its place! Muggles have their place, mudbloods have their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser!

They stand up.

Quirrell: Well, aren’t we an odd couple?

Song: Different As Can Be

Quirrell: ♪You won't sleep on your tummy,♪
Voldemort: ♪You won't sleep on your back,♪
Voldemort & Quirrell: ♪We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.♪
Quirrell: ♪We share some hands and fingers,♪
Voldemort: ♪and yet the feeling lingers.♪
Voldemort & Quirrell: ♪We're just about as different as anyone could be!♪
Voldemort: ♪You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.♪
Quirrell: ♪ you think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fires swell♪
Voldemort: ♪Pushing people in is fun as well
I like folding all my ties♪
Quirrell: ♪And you have no friends, hey that’s a surprise♪
Voldemort & Quirrell: ♪ guess it’s plain to see
when you look at you and me
were different
different
as can be♪

Quirrell goes over to fold the robes.

Voldemort: ♪You’re a sissy, a twat a girl! I’m the darkest of lords!♪
Quirrell: ♪I’m the brightest professor here, I’ve won several awards!♪
Voldemort: ♪My new world is about to unfold♪
Quirrell: ♪You got beat by a two year old♪
Voldemort: ♪I’ll kill him this time, through and through♪
Quirrell: ♪Or you might just give him another tattoo♪
Voldemort & Quirrell: ♪ You really must agree
when you look at you and me
were different, different
as can-♪

Voldemort faces the audience as Quirrell make menacing arm motions.

Voldemort: ♪ I’ll rise again and Ill rule the world,
But you must help me renew.
For when our plan succeeds-♪
Quirrell: Prevails!
Voldemort: ♪part of that world goes to you.♪

They continue their rotating.

Quirrell: ♪When I rule the world I’ll plant flowers.♪
Voldemort: ♪When I rule the world I’ll have… snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!♪
Quirrell: (at the same time) ♪And Jane Austin novels!♪
Voldemort & Quirrell: ♪When I rule the world!!♪ Hahahaha!!!!

Lights down.

END SONG

SCENE FOUR

Lights up. Harry, Hermione and Neville are in the common room. Harry is playing his guitar in the chair with a trunk beside him, Hermione is sitting on a bench to the left of him writing something, and Neville is on the block on stage left sniffing a plant.

Hermione: Harry, don’t you think you should be trying to figure out what the first task is? You could actually die if you’re not ready.
Harry: What? Come on. I mean, can’t you just do it for me? Can’t you just prepare all my stuff for me? I mean, what are you doing now?
Hermione: I’m writing your potions essay!
Harry: Oh... Well, do that first, ‘cause that’s due tomorrow. But after that, can you prepare for the first task, please?
Hermione: Alright.
Harry: Thank you. You are the best (he taps her on the nose). You got it. Thanks, Hermione.

Hermione turns around on the bench. Ginny enters, doing the magic pencil trick with her wand.

Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here.
Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter.

She sits down on the bench.

Harry: Listen, I want to play this song I’ve been working on. You see, I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know she’s special. So I just want to know what you think of it. Just for the purposes of now, because I’m still working out the lyrics, I’m going to put your name where her name should be, but I don’t think it’s really gonna work out, because- Well, let me just show you.

Song: Ginny
♪You’re tall and fun and pretty
You’re really, really skinny
Ginny♪

♪I’m the Mickey to your Minnie
You’re the Tigger to my Winnie
Ginny♪

♪Wanna take you to the city
Gonna take you out to diney
Ginny♪

♪You’re cuter than a guinea pig
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg
That’s in Canada!

♪Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny--- ♪
You know what? This doesn’t work with you name. At all. But how does that make you feel, emotionally?
Ginny: Wow. Wowy. Harry Potter!
Harry: Don’t you think it could, I dunno, make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: I think it already has.
Harry: Awesome!, because it’s for Cho Chang!
Ginny: Oh. Yeah. She’s beautiful.
Harry: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! She’s the hottest girl I’ve ever met. She’s far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I know, in my immediate group of friends.

Ron enters stage left. He jumps over the block and over to Ginny.

Ron: (motioning to Ginny to scoot over) Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!

Ginny scoots over and Ron sits down.

Hey! Harry! What’s up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid, and I saw this delivery wizard bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don’t know what that’s for-
Hermione: Giant cages? I bet whatever’s in those cages has something to do with the first task! Harry, we have to find out what it is!
Harry: Hey, hey. Guys. Chill, I'm busy.

Harry continues to play. Hermione walks over and grabs Harry guitar.

Ron: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Hermione: Guys! Now, listen! This could be a matter of life and death!
Ron: Well it doesn’t matter, because it’s after hours, okay, and we can’t leave Gryffindor House, and we’ll probably get in trouble if we do, and even if we do, Shlongbottom over there will probably tell on us!
Hermione: Neville won’t tell.
Neville: (stops sniffing plant) Oh yes I certainly will!
Ron: What are we going to do?
Hermione: It’s simple guys! The cloak!
Ron: Of course!

They all stand up.

Harry & Ron: The cloak!
Ginny: Wait, what cloak-
Ron: SHUT UP! (He claps in her face)

Neville starts to leave.

Harry: You see, (Explaining to Ginny, he starts to open the trunk) during my first year at Hogwarts I got a present left to me –Oh, bye Neville- by my dad during my first year at Hogwarts and it was left to me by my dad. The dad that’s dead. My father’s dead. I have a dead father. And now we solve mysteries and stuff with my handy, dandy Invisibility Cloak! (he pulls out his thin, bright red, sparkly Invisibility Cloak.)
Ginny: Oh! Wowy, Harry Potter! Haha! A real Invisibility Cloak! Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo! Do you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?
Harry: [There is some controversy over this line. In the original performance, Darren says “Oh, man, I’d- I’d kick wiener dogs.” The line was originally written as “Oh, man, I’d- I’d be a hockey player.”]
Ron: And I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people.
Hermione: I’d use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.
Ginny: Well, actually, I was going to say that I’d use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral!
Harry: Well, anyways, let’s get out of here.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny start to leave. Ron turns around to stop Ginny. Hermione watches them.

Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you’re going?
Ginny: Um, with you guys?
Ron: No way! No kid sisters allowed, okay? (He claps in her face) Besides, there’s only enough room under this cloak for to people, so… (Hermione looks crestfallen) C’mon, Hermione, c’mon.

Hermione brightens and hands Ginny Harry’s guitar.

Song: Harry
Throughout the song, Ginny will pretend the guitar is Harry.
Ginny: ♪The way his hair falls in his eyes
makes me wonder if he’ll
ever see through my disguise
and I’m under his spell♪

♪Everything is falling, and I don’t know where to land.
Everyone knows who he is, but they don’t know who I am♪

♪Harry, Harry,
Why can’t you see
what you’re doing to me♪

♪I’ve seen you conquer certain death
and even when you’re just standing there you take away my breath
and maybe someday you’ll hear my song
and understand that all along
there’s something more that I’m trying to say
when I say♪

♪Harry, Harry, Harry
Why can’t you see
what you’re doing to me♪
END SONG

Hermione: Giant cages? I bet whatever’s in those cages has something to do with the first task! Harry, we have to find out what it is!
Harry: (I think Harry says) Hey, hey. Guys. Chill, I'm busy.

Great job so far, Remus!

Thanks, Draco!